"I only shoot drugs on the weekends."

Mayra and I were at Barnes & Noble earlier this week and read that quote in Allure referring to people thinking it's possible to describe themselves as 'social smokers'. I disagree, I do know a lot of people that maybe smoke five cigarettes total every week just because they're hanging out with friends. Like at Rico and Crystal's on Tuesday everyone smokes because everyone is smoking. But Mayra doesn't light up away from Tuesday nights. I don't know why I'm trying to prove this point when I'm sure I'm wrong anyway. They were talking about the health issues that have to do with smoking and of course we all know that smoking any amount is bad. So I'll stop wasting my typing abilities.

So that Tuesday I did everything I wanted to do except for straighten my hair. And I still have yet to do it. I NEED to. Sadie, the woman that comes once a month to give me a perm, will be here on the 15th/16th of November. My hair is breaking already, I should have never lightened it! Words can't explain how jealous I am of girls who don't have to deal with chemically treating their hair. I wish I could just wash and go. My life would be so much easier then. And I could cut my hair in different styles and try whatever color I wanted. But yeah right, the second I do anything different I have to deal with 2-3 months of recovery.

I'm home alone right now. Mom is at the gym, Marco is MIA, and the rest of the family is at some wedding. So I'm alone. Mom called me earlier before she went to the gym to see if after I'd like to go to the mall with her. Of course I really don't feel like window shopping but it's an opportunity for me to get her alone (without any other siblings around) and tell her about my HORRIFYING financial situation and ask for a little bit of help. I don't know what she'll say. She never gives me money for anything but right now I'm in a huge hole. Ever since I quit Tony Roma's and have been waiting for DSW to open I've been broke. I can't sleep at night thinking about it sometimes.

Last night was really funny. We went to Starbucks and on the way over we passed by the HEB on 10th near my house. Mayra told me that was the HEB she was arrested at while driving drunk and I was so surprised because I could have sworn she told me it was the one on Ware. But nope she said she had parked at that HEB to go to a party in an apartment complex behind it. This made me think of my sister Lindsey who lives behind that HEB. So we continue talking and Mayra says she was at the birthday party of some ***** girl and I ask for her name and sure enough it turns out it was Lindsey's birthday party she had in September. That is so weird. I remember that day, Lindsey was over at the house and told me about her party but I had no one to go with and wasn't going to go alone and allow her to revel in my awkwardness and lack of acquaintances. Only to find out that Mayra had been at the party and ended up getting arrested for the first time and probably into the biggest trouble of her life that night. I wonder what would have happened if I'd gone. We were joking that Mayra might not have been arrested but then I thought OR I might have gone down with her. Well, we'll never know.

I need to start getting ready and start developing my plan of attack for when I talk to Mom. And I really want a cigarette, as usual. So I'm off.

Bye.

Step 1

"What's love got to do, got to with it? What's love but a secondhand emotion? Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken?" I wish I could sing this song and believe in what it says. But that'll never happen. I am a 'LoveFool' 100%.

Moving on, I'm at work. I leave at 4:30. I can't wait to get the hell out of here. Being in this office makes me think I'm cut off from the rest of the world. It's as though time stops when I'm here. Minutes feel like hours and the day crawls by. When I go out for a smoke I see people across the field walking around campus and I feel like a prisoner stuck at this little school watching freedom pass me by. To make things worse I have a headache right now. Me and my damn headaches. I have the medicine Dr. Treviño prescribed to me but I haven't taken it yet, I'm lazy like that. It's really hot right now. I don't know what the hell I was thinking when I came in this morning and changed the temperature. I mean I know I get cold but seriously... I made it too hot. I'm surprised no one has complained to me yet. Once again, I feel too lazy to get up and readjust it. All I want to do is go to sleep. Just put my head down and sleep until someone wakes me up and tells me that all my worries and concerns are gone and I can start living again. That would be so nice.

But of course that's not going to happen. We all know that in order for things to get better I have to stop messing around and make an effort to make things better. Right now, I don't feel like it. Give me a few more days, or months, maybe even a year...

Ok I can't believe I just wrote all that. My life is fine, I am fine. But you see what work does to me?! I start to think less than happy thoughts and get all moody and dramatic. I'm stopping right now.

Let's see... After I get out of work I'm going to go home, take a nap, plan out my classes for next semester, straighten my hair, go to the movies and/or go to Crystal's, go home, wait for a particular phone call (I wonder if I'll get it or not), and go to sleep.

That's the way things SHOULD happen tonight. We'll see.