A New Beginning

I realized a lot today. After working 9 hours setting up a shoe store I felt a little bit of clarity about my life, well the future part of it that is. The things I went through just recently that brought me down and made me question everything about me were all part of a learning experience. After the pain I grew and became a better person. I'm still learning and still growing and it's all for the better. On my lunch break I sat in my car and realized that the first time 'IT' ended was exactly like this time. A person just walks away and never looks back. The first time I went through it I hurt a lot, but now I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I was never really strapped down or being forced to do something I didn't want to, but the emotional and mental stress it put on me was unbearable. Now it's all over and I can focus on just me.

Work is great. I got about 36 hours next week plus the 10 or so I'll be doing at the university. Sooner than I know I'll be back on track with my finances and out of this ridiculous debt. I may even have some left over to buy the kiddos some Christmas presents... I said might.

School is going to wrap up soon and I'm sure I'm going to get the grades I wanted. It's been a hard semester but I enjoyed taking my major courses and focusing everything on Adv/PR. For the first time EVER I registered for classes early and have the schedule I want for next semester ready to go! I can't wait.

Family and friends are good. Everything at home is calm. No arguments, nothing. We are actually getting along! I've made new friends and gotten close to old friends I never knew much about. Some friends that were once so important in my life aren't around anymore or I don't keep in touch with as much but that's fine. They're doing their own thing and I'm doing mine. I like what I have.

I just feel like for once I'm doing everything I said I was going to do. I'm not just letting my mouth run with wants and desires. I'm actually completing my goals and working towards bigger and better ones. I can say that I'm proud of who I am and what I've done. When I was younger I would sit around and mope. Questioning who I was, did I fit in, was I important? I was never 100% sure of myself. And now I am. I'm proud of my responsibilities and the track on which my life is going. I'm excited for the future. I know I'm going to have a few days where everything seems like too much and I want to crumble, but I'll never get to the point that I give up. I'm happy and for once I don't think I'm lying when I say that.

I'm done for now, wish me luck!

Picture Day

Frankie pudding pie as I like to call him. Smartest boy I know.


I can't stand the way I look. Who wears their hair up at a club?


Ruth! This is my most favorite picture of her. She's off in Quatar right now...


This is me back in the day, drunk and fat.


All of us at Jalapeño's. This night was pretty lame. Lots of complaining and stupidity. I look cute.

Mayra and Ruth. This picture is so funny. Feel free to laugh!

We're at Trade. It was pretty lame this night so we basically hung out on the couches taking pictures.

Claudia and Ray, enough said.

Mayra... Oh Mayra.

Yeah yeah, I said I wouldn't write anything but I had to. I'm done now. Be back after work.

I'll get over you, I know I will...

Will I really? Because you were the first thought on my mind this morning when I woke up...

That and the fact that it was 8:20 and my plan to be at work by 7 had completely failed. But I'm here now and I'll be taking off at around 10:30 to head to the store. Mayra's already there and told me they're moving boxes around and that she'll probably end up with bruises all over. Great!

I'm going to post another blog after this one with some pictures I found here on my work computer. Obviously I've personalized this UTPA computer a bit more than I should have. I can't figure out how to post the pictures and make them look good along with my text so I'll just separate them. I don't feel like writing anything about the pictures either. I'll let them speak for themselves, that sounds really dumb but I'm feeling lazy today.

Ciao!

I'm looking at you Frida.

Frida has been behaving so well today. I remember when she used to drive me crazy. Her presence was the biggest annoyance in my life. Recently she's grown on me. She's my best friend when I'm home alone. We take long naps together. It's nice. When I'm asleep she doesn't snuggle in close with me and make it so I can't move for fear of ruining her sleep. Instead she finds her own spot on the bed, rolls onto her back, and falls asleep - just like a human. It's so entertaining. I envy her so much when I wake up in the morning and get ready to leave to school. I look at her in between the sheets all nice and warm and want to jump back into bed with her. She looks up at me and I tell her, 'I'm looking at you Frida.'

Back to business, school is horrible. I have so much to do and very little time to do it all. Everything is due next week! To make it all worse the store is having it's grand opening Thursday so I'm going to have TONS of hours to work. Basically any and every second I get away from work I'm going to have to be doing my school stuff. But after next week I should be in the clear. Well, until the 27th when I have my mock interview for class.

I've just hit that point in the semester where I'm ready to throw in the towel. It happens to me every year. I'm going full force, really into class, and then BOOM I'm over it. Today I hung out at home for most of the day 'planning' when I would get started on my work rather than just getting started on it. But sometimes I don't care as much because I know that in the end, no matter how tired or stressed I am, I'm going to get my work done and get the good grade. For as many semesters I've had where I slack off and miss a few classes and don't participate as much, I always manage to get by and I have yet to get anything other than an A or B in a class. I see some other students around me who seriously stress out over their schoolwork. It's like it consumes their lives and they see no outlet. Everything is an obstacle and they're basically freaking out every half second. I've never hit that point. At most I bite my nails, eat a bit more than I should, and maybe get a headache. But I quickly get over it, do what needs to be done, and move on. That's me. I can't help it. School, I would say, is fairly easy for me. And I'm sure I'm going to regret writing that one day. Until then...

Aside from school my personal life has been on the up and up. I can't wait to start meeting the new girls I'm going to work with. I've talked to a few and they seem nice. Pete gave me a compliment yesterday and I have no CLUE what he said. Mayra thinks he said I look good, I think he said I was doing real good (in reference to my work). Either way like an idiot, I responded 'I am?' and he gave me a look like I was from another planet. So I just smiled awkwardly and walked away. It's his fault for mumbling.

It would be nice to think he gave me a compliment on my looks because lately I've been feeling disgusting. I need to stop eating. Just stop. Ok not really but I know I'm gaining weight and I feel sluggish and uncomfortable throughout the day. I hate it. Today I actually ate smaller portions and a bit healthier. I only drank water too. By the end of the afternoon I had a migraine and was craving a burger and a large coke. How sad. I know I have a stomach problem. I say that because if I eat a good decent meal and feel full I literally get sick to where I feel like throwing up and then end up with a migraine. But even if I eat less and don't get full I still feel sick still and get a headache. It's strange. I'm going to have to go to the doctor and get checked on that.

It's 8:20. If I was a good student I would take out my books and start doing some homework. Regardless of the fact I have no class tomorrow and have nothing due until next week. But I'm very tired. For the past two days I've had tension headaches and haven't been able to sleep well. Right now I want to curl up in bed and just fall asleep. But I think for once I should fight that urge and do some other work. I have to think about it. Either way I'm sure I'm not going out tomorrow night. I'll be working from 7am to 8pm. So maybe tomorrow night I'll just relax and take my time doing some work. Yes, that sounds like a better idea.

Goodnight and sweet dreams all my loyal fans!

Ha, imagine if I had fans, que padre.

ZZZ

I am so tired. My head is hurting, I'm sleepy, and my body aches. I should just go to sleep. I think I will.

Be back tomorrow.

Oh Cecilia, you're breaking my heart.

I never shut up, really. I don't know if this blog assignment was a good idea for me. I find myself thinking 'hmm I'll write this in my blog' that's why I'm back right now. Basically I was sitting in my room listening to the sounds of the house and realized that this is the way it would be all of the time had my mother never remarried and added 6 people to our family. It would be me, her, and Marco. I thought about this because the rest of the family is out of town at some wedding. Basically this is the way things are. There really are no 'family' events. I mean he does stuff with his kids and their side of the family and the three of us roll together. But we never have any weddings or grandmas to visit. My mom only has her sister who lives a few minutes away and that's the only family we have in the states. And we never get together with them anyway because my mom and my tia like to act immature every week or so and ignore each other for days on end. Moving on, so Rick is gone and has taken his belongings with him (aka the kids).... just kidding. I thought of all this because this afternoon I came home and no one was here. I was alone for about an hour or two before Marco got home and STILL my mom wasn't home. I knew this was only because Karina and Daniela (the little ones) weren't here for her to look after. I started to think 'is this the way it would always be?' The three of us living together but doing our own thing now that Marco and I are basically all grown up? It would be wonderful really. We're all the same. We enjoy peace and quiet. We're all bothered by too much noise and commotion. But this won't last long. Tomorrow everyone will be back and it'll all be back to normal.

My back hurts a lot. Like the muscle. I need to sit up straight. I should start right now. But I'm too lazy to readjust. I'm so comfortable in the position I'm sitting in I think my feet have fallen asleep.

I should probably wrap this up but I just love to talk and since there's no one to talk to right now I think I'll keep on writing, whatever pops up until I'm done for the night.

Nevermind, I can't think of anything. My idea worked against me.
Goodnight.

$$$

Today was my register training at DSW. Very boring. Right off the bat we got into trouble (I guess you could call it that) when we pissed off manager Pete. Basically we were all sitting in a room waiting for him to load something on his laptop and no one was talking. As he was on the computer he was asking us questions I guess just to pass the time. Some time passed and he hadn't asked any questions and then all of a sudden he looks over at the two other managers and asks them what they ate. Of course everyone understood he was talking to them... except for one, Vanessa. The other managers must have misunderstood what he said and thought he was asking them IF they ate and they both said 'yes'. But Vanessa, all alone loud and clear said, 'eggs'. Oh my god I could not stop laughing. I thought it was the funniest thing ever. I mean what the hell? Eggs. Maybe a sandwich or a burger but EGGS?! It was too funny to pass up. And then the fact that she was all alone and he wasn't even talking to her. Ay no, funny funny. So I'm there trying to stifle my laughter like an idiot but the room is really small and there aren't that many people and Pete notices me. So after he's done bsing on his computer he looks over and ask 'what was so funny?' and Vanessa says 'you don't wanna know' and him being all HIGH AND MIGHTY manager calls us out in front of everyone and says 'well that was rude'. OK Pete, get over it. If he knew what happened he would have laughed too. Whatever.

So a good thing is that I already have 30+ hours to work this week! And we get paid every Friday so sooner than not I'll be climbing out of my immense debt. Well immense for my age. I love it. The crappy thing is that it conflicts with my UTPA work schedule, so of course I'll lose out on that. But I'm going to have to fit in time to work at the university whenever I get the chance so that next month when I get paid it's a decent check. Wow I hate getting paid once a month, it just ain't right.

Jose and the boys invited us out to go to the movies with them. Anyway. Don't they know that Los Tuesday Kids only hang out on Tuesdays. Why are they trying to mess this up? OK I'm just joking but really hanging out on Tuesday's at Rico's and Crystal's is just the way it's got to be. It's less... awkward I think. Well with a certain person's deep obsessive love for someone else. I won't mention any names.

So I've got that Akon song running through my head, Lonely. Just because I am. When will I get over it?! Really how come my mind just can't accept it's a bad thing and that I need to let it go. It's that stupid Hollywood movie romance side of me that's holding on to the WHAT IF? I can't stand it. I wish I could erase my memory or go back in time and undo it all. Back to a time when my heart was cold as ice and I never thought anything possible. Oh well, that's all gone now. By the way, I was never in love and have never been. I know I made that whole heart melting part sound like it but I'm just overdoing it for some drama.

It's almost 8, I want to watch I Love New York 2. Yeah, I watch filth on television. Second to that show I love to watch Cheaters. Hmm and I wonder why I'm so messed up. But I've done all my homework like a good girl should and I'm all caught up so I'll indulge a bit. Farewell.

"I only shoot drugs on the weekends."

Mayra and I were at Barnes & Noble earlier this week and read that quote in Allure referring to people thinking it's possible to describe themselves as 'social smokers'. I disagree, I do know a lot of people that maybe smoke five cigarettes total every week just because they're hanging out with friends. Like at Rico and Crystal's on Tuesday everyone smokes because everyone is smoking. But Mayra doesn't light up away from Tuesday nights. I don't know why I'm trying to prove this point when I'm sure I'm wrong anyway. They were talking about the health issues that have to do with smoking and of course we all know that smoking any amount is bad. So I'll stop wasting my typing abilities.

So that Tuesday I did everything I wanted to do except for straighten my hair. And I still have yet to do it. I NEED to. Sadie, the woman that comes once a month to give me a perm, will be here on the 15th/16th of November. My hair is breaking already, I should have never lightened it! Words can't explain how jealous I am of girls who don't have to deal with chemically treating their hair. I wish I could just wash and go. My life would be so much easier then. And I could cut my hair in different styles and try whatever color I wanted. But yeah right, the second I do anything different I have to deal with 2-3 months of recovery.

I'm home alone right now. Mom is at the gym, Marco is MIA, and the rest of the family is at some wedding. So I'm alone. Mom called me earlier before she went to the gym to see if after I'd like to go to the mall with her. Of course I really don't feel like window shopping but it's an opportunity for me to get her alone (without any other siblings around) and tell her about my HORRIFYING financial situation and ask for a little bit of help. I don't know what she'll say. She never gives me money for anything but right now I'm in a huge hole. Ever since I quit Tony Roma's and have been waiting for DSW to open I've been broke. I can't sleep at night thinking about it sometimes.

Last night was really funny. We went to Starbucks and on the way over we passed by the HEB on 10th near my house. Mayra told me that was the HEB she was arrested at while driving drunk and I was so surprised because I could have sworn she told me it was the one on Ware. But nope she said she had parked at that HEB to go to a party in an apartment complex behind it. This made me think of my sister Lindsey who lives behind that HEB. So we continue talking and Mayra says she was at the birthday party of some ***** girl and I ask for her name and sure enough it turns out it was Lindsey's birthday party she had in September. That is so weird. I remember that day, Lindsey was over at the house and told me about her party but I had no one to go with and wasn't going to go alone and allow her to revel in my awkwardness and lack of acquaintances. Only to find out that Mayra had been at the party and ended up getting arrested for the first time and probably into the biggest trouble of her life that night. I wonder what would have happened if I'd gone. We were joking that Mayra might not have been arrested but then I thought OR I might have gone down with her. Well, we'll never know.

I need to start getting ready and start developing my plan of attack for when I talk to Mom. And I really want a cigarette, as usual. So I'm off.

Bye.

Step 1

"What's love got to do, got to with it? What's love but a secondhand emotion? Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken?" I wish I could sing this song and believe in what it says. But that'll never happen. I am a 'LoveFool' 100%.

Moving on, I'm at work. I leave at 4:30. I can't wait to get the hell out of here. Being in this office makes me think I'm cut off from the rest of the world. It's as though time stops when I'm here. Minutes feel like hours and the day crawls by. When I go out for a smoke I see people across the field walking around campus and I feel like a prisoner stuck at this little school watching freedom pass me by. To make things worse I have a headache right now. Me and my damn headaches. I have the medicine Dr. Treviño prescribed to me but I haven't taken it yet, I'm lazy like that. It's really hot right now. I don't know what the hell I was thinking when I came in this morning and changed the temperature. I mean I know I get cold but seriously... I made it too hot. I'm surprised no one has complained to me yet. Once again, I feel too lazy to get up and readjust it. All I want to do is go to sleep. Just put my head down and sleep until someone wakes me up and tells me that all my worries and concerns are gone and I can start living again. That would be so nice.

But of course that's not going to happen. We all know that in order for things to get better I have to stop messing around and make an effort to make things better. Right now, I don't feel like it. Give me a few more days, or months, maybe even a year...

Ok I can't believe I just wrote all that. My life is fine, I am fine. But you see what work does to me?! I start to think less than happy thoughts and get all moody and dramatic. I'm stopping right now.

Let's see... After I get out of work I'm going to go home, take a nap, plan out my classes for next semester, straighten my hair, go to the movies and/or go to Crystal's, go home, wait for a particular phone call (I wonder if I'll get it or not), and go to sleep.

That's the way things SHOULD happen tonight. We'll see.